A strange new normal

Today, I took my first baby to school for the very first time. Yes, I was an emotional wreck. But, I didn't cry until we returned to my oh-so-empty feeling house. Not even when he ran off to talk to his teacher and go the playground without so much as a "Bye Mom!" or a hug - though I was close. It was hard, letting him go where I am not. I can't remind him to flush the toilet and wash his hands. I'm not there to remind him to calm down and reset when he gets overly frustrated or upset - he is very sensitive. I know he can handle it, but can I?

I was expecting to have a year of kindergarten - where he would still be home for half the day. Instead, he started in first grade and stayed all day, taking to school like a duck to water. Three months weren't nearly enough to prepare myself - especially a summer that seemed to pass with the blink of an eye - and I missed him terribly today. Don't misunderstand me. He isn't perfect; many days I wanted to wring his scrawny little neck or tape his mouth shut. And, I am very happy that he likes school and didn't need to ease into it with half days, but the selfish part of me is mourning his absence.He has been my constant companion. We did everything and went everywhere together. He was my partner in crime when being silly and crazy in the grocery store and my little helper in the house. Whenever I mixed or cleaned anything, he wanted to be apart of it. We used to have Swiffer races, make tortillas, mash strawberries and bananas for breads and jams. I know I can still do all that with him, but, our new normal requires this happens on weekends or after school.

I will do those things with Anthony, but the change is profound. For the first time in nearly 6 years, I don't have William's talking, singing, and sound effects as my constant background (he was even a noisy baby). Man, it is freaky being surrounded by that much quiet in the middle of the day, seeming to accentuate his absence. Anthony, you need to be louder. How did John and I end up with the quiet, thoughtful type? With few exceptions (Anniversaries, vacation, sleepovers) my boys have rarely been away from me for more than 5-6 hours. It feels strange to have one and not the other. Despite this, I am looking forward to the extra time I will be able to spend with Anthony. Now I can do things with him that I did with William when he was this age (that I couldn't do if he were home), and that's exciting. After watching William grow his first year through my fog of depression, I have learned to enjoy the ride. They are only home with me for a short time. However, this is one of those rare moments that I need to remind myself to stop fretting and live in the moment. So, Jeaneane, settle down and appreciate what is. We will all adjust to this new normal, and thrive.